An Open Letter to Larry the Cable Guy

Dear Larreth T. Cableguy:

In honor of your Comedy Central Roast (like a Friar’s Club Roast for the rented tux crowd, of which I am admittedly a part), I’ve decided to write down what my contribution would have been on my blog, as that’s what people who aren’t famous use for their blathering.

So, you’re awful. Just fucking awful. You’re a malignant cyst on the already pimply ass of shitty comedy. If Louis CK, Chris Rock, or Patton Oswalt are like the Meryl Streep, Cate Blanchette, and Kate Winslett of comedy, respectively, you are the nameless, 46-year old woman that has neighborhood hobos shit on her chest for $20. You are a supermassive black hole of anything funny, degrading laughter to a mocking bray toward anything that was ever likable, beautiful, or worthwhile in the world. Your unending quest to tickle the worst in the worst people for the sake of almost-humor has become the personification of why the rest of the world thinks we’re the mentally challenged gas station attendant wearing a cowboy hat and chewing Skoal of industrialized nations. You make Jeff Dunham, Carrot Top, and Bill Engvall look like the Holy fucking Trinity. You are everything I hate about America, and everything people will be telling their kids about like our grandparents used to tell us about Klan members lynching people for letting black people drink from a white water fountain. You will be nothing but a great source of shame for our nation, let alone the world of comedy.

You’re not only not funny, but the leader of a movement of people who think humor should be an aggressive attack on people that don’t consider the funyon a food group. “Git-r-dun” is admittedly something I should thank you for, in that it’s a great barometer for figuring out who the shit human being is in the room in a split second’s time.  I think you should spend the tens of millions of dollars you made last year and buy out a half hour of prime time television and fucking apologize to the people you’ve offended (and not in a PC way, but by being so fucking unfunny that people feel violated) with your Sherman’s March of anticomedy over the world Richard Pryor, Steve Martin, George Carlin, Dave Chappelle, the aforementioned Chris Rock and Louis CK among many, many others spent years building and perfecting to wonderfully play to the collective world’s joy and happiness. You’re not funny; you’re a fucking violation of the Geneva Convention. Shame on you for thinking you were anything else. Everything you’ve done is a direct assault to everything the world has done over tens of thousands of years to bring ourselves up from shivering in caves and eating roots and berries. Though you’ve made more money in a year than most comedians would make over the course of their careers, you’ve done it by sucking off the lowest common denominator so proficiently.

Please retire. Retire to an island in the middle of the Pacific no one knows about, and wear clothes made out of palms and drink rain water out of coconuts. It’s much more than you deserve, but so long as you’re out of our collective consciousness, what the fuck should I care?

…I’m just kidding, big guy. I lov ya!



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